Will juicing kill me?

I’m often asked what it’s like to be a writer — how I spend my days, how I experience the world. And so I will be sharing occasional essays from the front lines of my writing life. Enjoy!

Picture of the Nutribullet system, from Will juicing kill me? By Beth Mende ConnyInspired by friends, I have decided to start juicing. They claim all sorts of health benefits — better sleep and digestion, improvement to the hair, skin and nails. And what an energy boost! They can now leap tall buildings in a single bound. Yes, yes! I will give this a whirl (or should I say, a blend?).

They are using a $99 contraption called a Nutribullet — which really does look like a bullet. (Is it because the concoctions can kill you?) It just so happens that the Nutribullet is on sale at my supermarket, $10 bucks off. Is this providence? So I buy one and then buy strawberries, bananas, nectarines, grapes and apples (all of which I love) and spinach (which I hate). Yee-ha! My cells sing. Healthville here we come! Tomorrow.

Picture of the Nutribullet system, from Will juicing kill me? By Beth Mende ConnyTomorrow comes early. I crawl out of bed and stumble to the kitchen. There the box sits and states: “The Nutribullet system is so easy … anyone can use it!” Sounds promising.

I turn the box and read that the gizmo has 12 pieces. Among them: a high-torque power base, extractor blade and milling blade. Hmmm…this bullet really can kill. I may lose a finger and bleed to death.

I open the box and yes, indeed, there are 12 pieces, which are to fit together in various configurations. I force myself to read the directions. Note: I’m not a directions kinda gal. I have no patience and never seem to grasp what I’m to do and in what order. Beside, my 12 pieces are scattered on my countertop and, well, I’m overwhelmed. I decide to wash each piece. Then, of course, each has to dry, which means that I have no time to juice. It is time to stumble into the shower. Work calls. Tomorrow.

Picture of Beth covering her mouth from Will juicing kill me? By Beth Mende ConnyTomorrow comes early. I lay out my fruit and despised spinach. I am to put a handful of the spinach in the thingy and then add fruits and some nuts (for protein), twist on another thingy, flip this thingy upside-down and press down the other thingy, blend it all together, reverse the thingy process and guzzle.

Now, in all fairness, I must say that the Nutribullet works incredibly fast and well; true to its claim, it is a cinch to clean. Drinking my concoction proves more difficult . It looks like something dredged from a Superfund site. And the taste? Let’s just say it’s unique. Clearly, I’ve gotten the proportions wrong; perhaps I should add chocolate.

I tell myself that I will try again tomorrow. Or perhaps the day after tomorrow. If I don’t wake too late. I’m suddenly so very tired.


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