As a fellow writer, I thought you would enjoy these. I wish I had written them, but, alas, they arrived in an email. Kudos to the author!

• Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
• Does the Little Mermaid wear an algaebra?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• Is it possible to have a Civil War?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
• If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
• Why are hemorrhoids call “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?